According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
