time to smoke my breakfast
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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