You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
