Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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