I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
