So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do vagina's smell?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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