You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
