the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
