Your dad touched me again.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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