She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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