I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
