Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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