my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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