you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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