I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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