hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
