totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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