it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
