im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
