she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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