Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
