so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
