Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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