I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
