Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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