There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
