so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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