I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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