just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
