I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
