Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
40s are totally the cure
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
