I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
