Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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