Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
