i'm signing you up for texting rehab
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
