The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
