The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
