the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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