I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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