i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
