I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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