Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
