If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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