I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
soo... how was my night?
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