i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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