new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
