My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have fence marks all over my body
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk is not a location!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
