This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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