A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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