shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
