Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
