I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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