i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
