That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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