I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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