remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
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My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
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I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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