You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
