Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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