Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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