I hope mine doesn't look like that
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
