butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
