singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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