Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
