In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
